


The Queen's Visit

by Spastic_Starfish



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Argus Filch POV, F/M, Funny, Hermione and Ron save the day! - Freeform, Short One Shot, Well - Freeform, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 15:02:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5875345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spastic_Starfish/pseuds/Spastic_Starfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Challenge response from The Hideaway.</p><p>The Queen is visiting Hogwarts. What could possible go wrong? Argus Filch, at your service.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Queen's Visit

Argus Filch was excited. He wasn't very often, but now was different. His hard work as caretaker at Hogwarts would be recognised at last!

"Mrs. Muggle Queen is coming to Hogwarts," he croaked and finished meticulously tying the pink bow around Mrs. Norris neck. The cat hissed and slipped out of his grasp, already clawing at the offending piece of fabric. Filch didn't notice.

"The Queen! At my school! And I've oiled all the hinges, polished the chains and removed the rust on the thumbscrews. And Peeves's been locked in the Vanishing Closet. Oh, she is going to be so impressed, my beautiful. Just wait 'til she hears about my plans for the punishment of the students, the filthy insolent brats. Dumbledore won't argue if the Queen agrees with me. We are going to turn things around, Precious. No more Weasley bastards swamping MY halls. No more Potter out of bed at all times. They are going to learn discipline hanging by their ankles from the ceiling, Pet; just like in the good old days!"

He rubbed his hands together in unstated glee, eyeing his best olive-green and slightly moth-eaten dressrobes. Though not moth-eaten anywhere you'd notice, really, he assured himself with a brown-toothed smile.

Oh yes, the Mrs. Muggle Queen was going to help him bring back order to Hogwarts. She was a mother; surely, she'd understand the necessity for Iron Maidens and racks in childrearing.

Mrs. Norris, still ignoring the rantings of her owner and thus proving the more intelligent of the two, clawed at the door, haughtily expecting to be paid attention to and let out to bite some poor student's shins.

"Yes, yes, Precious. I know you're as impatient as I am. The Mrs. Muggle Queen will love you, my little ball of fluff."

The cat rolled her eyes and kept raking her claws down the worn wood. She wanted away from the maniac before he began to practise the school song which Dumbledore had insisted everyone sing at the Queen's arrival. Mrs. Norris was many things, but suicidal was not one of them.

Finally the idiot shuffled over to the door, mumbling to himself: "Maybe she'll even shake my hand. That would be something to tell people: I, Argus Filch, once shook the Muggle Queen's hand ..."

He tried turning the handle. It wouldn't budge. He frowned. Shook the handle. Nothing. His attempts grew more frantic.

"No, Pet, they wouldn't do tha' to me. They wouldn't. No, no, nooooooooo!!!!!!"

His yell reverberated between the walls of the dungeon office, but never made it past the thick stone and the excellent Silencing Charm placed on the door.

A few corridors away, two Gryffindors moved swiftly along under a certain borrowed Invisibility Cloak.

"Are you sure this was a good idea, Ron?"

"'Course, 'Mione, you heard him! He wants to hang us all from the ceiling and give us a right spanking, the pervy bugger! Besides, if he's off showing the Queen all of the old torture chambers, when'll she have time to see my juggling?"

*Face-palm* "Oh, Ron!"

 


End file.
